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CHAPTER VI.

COWPER'S RECOVERY. HIS REMOVAL TO HUNTINGDON.

THE UNWIN FAMILY.

In the interval between his attempt at suicide and his removal to a private madhouse, Cowper composed the following sapphics, describing his own dreadful state of mind.

Hatred and vengeance,—my eternal portion
Scarce can endure delay of execution
Wait with impatient readiness to seize my
Soul in a moment.

Damn'd below Judas; more abhorr'd than he was,
Who for a few pence sold his holy Master!
Twice-betray'd Jesus me, the last delinquent,
Deems the profanest.

Man disavows, and Deity disowns me.
Hell might afford my miseries a shelter;
Therefore, Hell keeps her ever-hungry mouths all
Bolted against me.

Hard lot! encompass'd with a thousand dangers;
Weary, faint, trembling with a thousand terrors,
I'm call'd, if vanquish'd,1 to receive a sentence
Worse than Abiram's.

Him the vindictive rod of angry Justice
Sent quick and howling to the centre headlong.
I, fed1 with judgement, in a fleshly tomb, am
Buried above ground.

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This was the character of his madness,.. the most dreadful in which madness presents itself. He threw away the Bible, as a book in which he had no longer any interest or portion. A vein of self-loathing and abhorrence ran through all his insanity. "The accuser of the brethren," he says, ever busy with him, night and day, brought to his recollection in dreams his long forgotten sins, and charged upon his conscience things of an indifferent nature as atrocious crimes." Five months he passed in continual expectation that the divine vengeance would instantly plunge him into the bottomless pit. But such horrors in madness are like those in dreams; the maniac

1 Both these passages are evidently corrupt. Possibly the first should be in anguish.

and the dreamer seem to undergo what could not possibly be undergone by one awake or in his senses; and, indeed, he says, that after five months of this expectation, he became so familiar with despair as to entertain a sort of hardiness and indifference as to the event.

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"I began to persuade myself, that while the execution of the sentence was suspended, it would be for my interest to indulge a less horrible train of ideas, than I had been accustomed to dwell upon. Eat, and drink, for to-morrow thou shalt be in hell, was the maxim on which I proceeded. By this means, I entered into conversation with the Doctor, laughed at his stories, and told him some of my own to match them; still, however, carrying a sentence of irrevocable doom in my heart.

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"He observed the seeming alteration with pleasure. lieving, as well he might, that my smiles were sincere, he thought my recovery well nigh completed; but they were, in reality, like the green surface of a morass, pleasant to the eye, but a cover for nothing but rottenness and filth. The only thing that could promote and effectuate my cure, was yet wanting ;;—an experimental knowledge of the truth as it is in Christ Jesus.

“I remember, about this time, a diabolical species of regret that found harbour in my wretched heart. I was sincerely sorry that I had not seized every opportunity of giving scope to my wicked appetites; and even envied those, who being departed to their own place before me, had the consolation to reflect that they had well earned their miserable inheritance, by indulging their sensuality without restraint. Oh, merciful God! What a Tophet of pollution is the human soul; and wherein do we differ from the devils, unless thy grace prevent us !"

In about three months more his brother, who was a fellow of Benet College and resided there, came from Cambridge to visit him. Dr. Cotton had reported a great amendment, and was not mistaken in that opinion, though John Cowper was disappointed at finding him almost as silent and reserved as ever. His own sensations at the meeting he describes as painfully mingled with sorrow for his own remediless condition, and envy of his brother's happiness.

"As soon as we were left alone, he asked me how I found

myself; I answered, 'As much better as despair can make me.' We went together into the garden. Here, on expressing a settled assurance of sudden judgement, he protested to me, that it was all a delusion; and protested so strongly, that I could not help giving some attention to him. I burst into tears, and cried out, If it be a delusion, then am I the happiest of beings.' Something like a ray of hope was shot into my heart: but still I was afraid to indulge it. We dined together, and I spent the afternoon in a more cheerful manner. Something seemed to whisper to me every moment, 'Still there is mercy.'

"Even after he left me, this change of sentiment gathered ground continually; yet my mind was in such a fluctuating state, that I can only call it a vague presage of better things at hand, without being able to assign a reason for it. The servant observed a sudden alteration in me for the better; and the man, whom I have ever since retained in my service, expressed great joy on the occasion.

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I went to bed and slept well. In the morning, I dreamed that the sweetest boy I ever saw came dancing up to my bedside; he seemed just out of leading-strings, yet I took particular notice of the firmness and steadiness of his tread. The sight affected me with pleasure, and served at least to harmonize my spirits; so that I awoke for the first time with a sensation of delight on my mind. Still, however, I knew not where to look for the establishment of the comfort I felt. My joy was as much a mystery to myself as to those about me. The blessed God was preparing me for the clearer light of his countenance by this first dawning of his light upon me."

That he could feel the force of argument, and that he could weep, were sure symptoms of amendment. Indeed, he dated his recovery from his brother's visit; saying, in a letter written before the Memoir, "though he only staid one day with me, his company served to put to flight a thousand deliriums and delusions which I still laboured under, and the next morning I found myself a new creature. It was not long before, walking in the garden, he found, upon a seat there, a Bible, which very probably had been laid in his way. He opened it upon the chapter in which Lazarus is raised from the dead, and he saw 66 so much benevolence, and mercy, and goodness,

2 To Lady Hesketh, July 5, 1765.

and sympathy with miserable man, in our Saviour's conduct," that he was moved almost to tears; "little thinking," he says, "that it was an exact type of the mercy which Jesus was on the point of extending towards myself. I sighed, and said, 'Oh, that I had not rejected so good a Redeemer,—that I had not forfeited all his favours !' Thus was my heart softened, though not yet enlightened. I closed the book, without intending to open it again.

"Having risen with somewhat of a more cheerful feeling, I repaired to my room, where breakfast waited for me. While I sat at table, I found the cloud of horror, which had so long hung over me, was every moment passing away; and every moment came fraught with hope. I was continually more and more persuaded, that I was not utterly doomed to destruction. The way of salvation was still, however, hid from my eyes; nor did I see it at all clearer than before my illness. I only thought, that if it would please God to spare me, I would lead a better life; and that I would yet escape hell, if a religious observance of my duty would secure me from it. Thus may the terror of the Lord make a Pharisee; but only the sweet voice of mercy in the gospel, can make a Christian.

"But the happy period which was to shake off my fetters, and afford me a clear opening of the free mercy of God in Christ Jesus, was now arrived. I flung myself into a chair near the window, and seeing a Bible there, ventured once more to apply to it for comfort and instruction. The first verse I saw, was the twenty-fifth of the third chapter of Romans: Whom God hath set forth to be a propitiation through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that are past, through the forbearance of God.'

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Immediately I received strength to believe, and the full beams of the Sun of Righteousness shone upon me. I saw the sufficiency of the atonement He had made, my pardon sealed in His blood, and all the fulness and completeness of his justification. In a moment I believed, and received the gospel. Whatever my friend Madan had said to me, so long before, revived in all its clearness, with 'demonstration of the Spirit and with power.' Unless the Almighty arm had been under me, I think I should have died with gratitude and joy. My eyes filled with tears, and my voice choked with transport, I could only look up to heaven in silent fear, overwhelmed

with love and wonder. But the work of the Holy Spirit is best described in his own words, it was 'joy unspeakable, and full of glory.' Thus was my heavenly Father in Christ Jesus pleased to give me the full assurance of faith, and out of a stony, unbelieving heart, to raise up a child unto Abraham. How glad should I now have been to have spent every moment in prayer and thanksgiving!

"I lost no opportunity of repairing to a throne of grace; but flew to it with an earnestness irresistible and never to be satisfied. Could I help it? Could I do otherwise than love and rejoice in my reconciled Father in Christ Jesus? The Lord had enlarged my heart, and I ran in the way of his commandments. For many succeeding weeks, tears were ready to flow, if I did but 'speak of the gospel, or mention the name of Jesus. To rejoice day and night was all my employment. Too happy to sleep much, I thought it was lost time that was spent in slumber. Oh that the ardour of my first love had continued! But I have known many a lifeless and unhallowed hour since; long intervals of darkness, interrupted by short returns of peace and joy in believing.

"My physician, ever watchful and apprehensive for my welfare, was now alarmed, lest the sudden transition from despair to joy, should terminate in a fatal frenzy. But the Lord was my strength and my song, and was become my salvation.' I said, 'I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord; he has chastened me sore, but not given me over unto death. O give thanks unto the Lord, for his mercy endureth for ever!' In a short time, Dr. C. became satisfied, and acquiesced in the soundness of my cure; and much sweet communion I had with him, concerning the things of our salvation."

Cowper thought that the low state of body and mind to which his disease and the remedies employed in subduing it had reduced him, were well-calculated to humble his natural vain glory and pride of heart. "Blessed," says he, "be the God of salvation for every sigh I drew, for every tear I shed; since thus it pleased him to judge me here, that I might not be judged hereafter." He was in no haste to remove after his recovery; but remained twelve months longer with Dr. Cotton. This was equally a matter of prudence and of convenience, till he had determined what course to pursue upon

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