LETTER XXIX.

From the Same.

pleasure, and, like some tradesmen, finds consolation in the many bankruptcies she has suffered. "For this reason, whenever I see a superannuated beauty still unmarried, I tacitly accuse her either of pride, avarice, coquetry, or affectation. WERE we to estimate the learning of the English There's Miss Jenny Tinderbox, I once remember by the number of books that are every day pubher to have had some beauty, and a moderate for-lished among them, perhaps no country, not even tune. Her elder sister happened to marry a man China itself, could equal them in this particular. of quality, and this seemed as a statute of virginity | I have reckoned not less than twenty-three new against poor Jane. Because there was one lucky books published in one day; which, upon compuhit in the family, she was resolved not to disgrace tation, makes eight thousand three hundred and it by introducing a tradesman. By thus rejecting ninety-five in one year. Most of these are not her equals, and neglected or despised by her su- confined to one single science, but embrace the periors, she now acts in the capacity of tutoress to whole circle. History, politics, poetry, matheher sister's children, and undergoes the drudgery matics, metaphysics, and the philosophy of nature, of three servants, without receiving the wages of are all comprised in a manual not larger than that in which our children are taught the letters. "Miss Squeeze was a pawnbroker's daughter; If then we suppose the learned of England to read her father had early taught her that money was a but an eighth part of the works which daily come very good thing, and left her a moderate fortune at from the press (and surely none can pretend to his death. She was so perfectly sensible of the learning upon less easy terms), at this rate every value of what she had got, that she was resolved scholar will read a thousand books in one year. never to part with a farthing without an equality From such a calculation, you may conjecture what on the part of the suitor: she thus refused several an amazing fund of literature a man must be posoffers made her by people who wanted to better sessed of, who thus reads three new books every themselves, as the saying is; and grew old and ill-day, not one of which but contains all the good natured, without ever considering that she should things that ever were said or written. have made an abatement in her pretensions, from her face being pale, and marked with the small

one.

pox.

And yet I know not how it happens, but the English are not in reality so learned as would seem from this calculation. We meet but few who know "Lady Betty Tempest, on the contrary, had all arts and sciences to perfection; whether it is beauty, with fortune and family. But fond of that the generality are incapable of such extensive conquests, she passed from triumph to triumph; knowledge, or that the authors of those books are she had read plays and romances, and there had not adequate instructors. In China, the emperor learned, that a plain man of common sense was no himself takes cognizance of all the doctors in the better than a fool; such she refused, and sighed kingdom who profess authorship. In England, only for the gay, giddy, inconstant, and thought- every man may be an author that can write; for less: after she had thus rejected hundreds who they have by law a liberty not only of saying what liked her, and sighed for hundreds who despised they please, but of being also as dull as they please. her, she found herself insensibly deserted; at pre- Yesterday, I testified my surprise to the man in sent she is company only for her aunts and cou- black, where writers could be found in sufficient sins, and sometimes makes one in a country dance, number to throw off the books I daily saw crowdwith only one of the chairs for a partner, casts off ing from the press. I at first imagined that their round a joint-tool, and sets to a corner cupboard. learned seminaries might take this method of inIn a word, she is treated with civil contempt from structing the world. But, to obviate this objection, every quarter, and placed, like a piece of old- my companion assured me, that the doctors of colfashioned lumber, merely to fill up a corner. leges never wrote, and that some of them had "But Sophronia, the sagacious Sophronia, how actually forgot their reading; but if you desire, shall I mention her? She was taught to love continued he, to see a collection of authors, I fancy Greek, and hate the men from her very infancy: I can introduce you this evening to a club, which she has rejected fine gentlemen because they were assembles every Saturday at seven, at the sign of not pedants, and pedants because they were not the broom, near Islington, to talk over the business fine gentlemen: her exquisite sensibility has taught of the last, and the entertainment of the week her to discover every fault in every lover, and her ensuing. I accepted his invitation; we walked inflexible justice has prevented her pardoning together, and entered the house some time before them; thus she rejected several offers, till the the usual hour for the company assembling. wrinkles of age had overtaken her; and now, without one good feature in her face, she talks incessantly of the beauties of the mind." Farewell.

My friend took this opportunity of letting me into the characters of the principal members of the club, not even the host excepted; who, it seems,

was once an author himself, but preferred by a dispositions. Happy it were for mankind if all bookseller to this situation as a reward for his for- travellers would thus, instead of characterizing a mer services. people in general terms, lead us into a detail of The first person, said he, of our society, is those minute circumstances which first influenced Doctor Nonentity, a metaphysician. Most people their opinion. The genius of a country should be think him a profound scholar; but as he seldom investigated with a kind of experimental inquiry: by speaks, I can not be positive in that particular: he this means, we should have more precise and just generally spreads himself before the fire, sucks his notions of foreign nations, and detect travellers pipe, talks little, drinks much, and is reckoned very themselves when they happened to form wrong good company. I'm told he writes indexes to per- conclusions.

fection, he makes essays on the origin of evil, phi- My friend and I repeated our visit to the club of losophical inquiries upon any subject, and draws authors; where, upon our entrance, we found the up an answer to any book upon twenty-four hours' members all assembled, and engaged in a loud warning. You may distinguish him from the rest debate.

of the company by his long gray wig, and the blue The poet, in shabby finery, holding a manuscript handkerchief round his neck. in his hand, was earnestly endeavouring to persuade The next to him in merit and esteem is Tim the company to hear him read the first book of an Syllabub, a droll creature; he sometimes shines as heroic poem, which he had composed the day a star of the first magnitude among the choice before. But against this all the members very spirits of the age: he is reckoned equally excellent warmly objected. They knew no reason why any at a rebus, a riddle, a bawdy song, and a hymn for the Tabernacle. You will know him by his shabby finery, his powdered wig, dirty shirt, and broken silk stockings.

member of the club should be indulged with a particular hearing, when many of them had published whole volumes which had never been looked in. They insisted, that the law should be observed where reading in company was expressly noticed. It was in vain that the poet pleaded the peculiar merit of his piece; he spoke to an assembly insensible to all his remonstrances: the book of laws was opened, and read by the secretary, where it was expressly enacted, "That whatsoever poet,

After him succeeds Mr. Tibs, a very useful hand; he writes receipts for the bite of a mad dog, and throws off an eastern tale to perfection: he understands the business of an author as well as any man, for no bookseller alive can cheat him. You may distinguish him by the peculiar clumsiness of his figure, and the coarseness of his coat : speech-maker, critic, or historian, should presume however, though it be coarse (as he frequently tells the company) he has paid for it.

to engage the company by reading his own works, he was to lay down sixpence previous to opening the manuscript, and should be charged one shilling an hour while he continued reading: the said shilling to be equally distributed among the company as a recompense for their trouble."

Lawyer Squint is the politician of the society; he makes speeches for Parliament, writes addresses to his fellow-subjects, and letters to noble commanders; he gives the history of every new play, and finds seasonable thoughts upon every occasion. My companion was proceeding in his description when the host came running in with terror on his countenance to tell us, that the door was beset with bailiffs. If that be the case then, says my companion, we had as good be going; for I am positive we shall not see one of the company this night. Wherefore, disappointed, we were both obliged to A profound silence ensuing, he began by exreturn home, he to enjoy the oddities which complaining his design. "Gentlemen," says he, "the pose his character alone, and I to write as usual to my friend the occurrences of the day. Adieu.

LETTER XXX

From the Same.

Our poet seemed at first to shrink at the penalty, hesitating for some time whether he should deposit the fine, or shut up the poem; but looking round, and perceiving two strangers in the room, his love of fame outweighed his prudence, and, laying down the sum by law established, he insisted on his prerogative.

present piece is not one of your common epic poems, which come from the press like paper-kites in summer: there are none of your Turnus's or Dido's in it; it is an heroical description of Nature. I only beg you'll endeavour to make your souls in unison with mine, and hear with the same enthusiasm with which I have written. The poem begins with By my last advices from Moscow, I find the the description of an author's bedchamber; the piccaravan has not yet departed for China: I still con- ture was sketched in my own apartment: for you tinue to write, expecting that you may receive a must know, gentlemen, that I am myself the hero." large number of my letters at once. In them you Then putting himself into the attitude of an orator, will find rather a minute detail of English pecu- with all the emphasis of voice and action, he pro liarities, than a general picture of their manners or ceeded:

"Where the Red Lion flaring o'er the way, Invites each passing stranger that can pay; Where Calvert's butt, and Parson's black champaigne,

Regale the drabs and bloods of Drury-lane;

There, in a lonely room, from bailiffs snug,

ject, by wondering how any man could be so dull as to write poetry at present, since prose itself would hardly pay: "Would you think it, gentlemen," continued he, "I have actually written last week, sixteen prayers, twelve bawdy jests, and three sermons, all at the rate of sixpence a-piece;

The muse found Scroggen stretch'd beneath a rug; and what is still more extraordinary, the bookseller

A window patch'd with paper lent a ray,

That dimly show'd the state in which he lay;
The sanded floor, that grits beneath the tread;
The humid wall with paltry pictures spread;
The royal game of goose was there in view,
And the twelve rules the royal martyr drew;
The seasons, framed with listing, found a place,
And brave Prince William show'd his lamp-black
face.

The morn was cold, he views with keen desire
The rusty grate unconscious of a fire;
With beer and milk arrears the frieze was scored,
And five crack'd tea-cups dress'd the chimney
board;

A night-cap deck'd his brows instead of bay,
A cap by night-a stocking all the day!"

With this last line he seemed so much elated, that he was unable to proceed. "There, gentlemen," cries he, "there is a description for you;

Rabelais' bed-chamber is but a fool to it.

A cap by night-a stocking all the day! There is sound, and sense, and truth, and nature, in the trifling compass of ten syllables."

has lost by the bargain. Such sermons would once have gained me a prebend's stall; but now, alas! we have neither piety, taste, nor humour, among us. Positively, if this season does not turn out better than it has begun, unless the ministry commit some blunders to furnish us with a new topic of abuse, I shall resume my old business of working at the press, instead of finding it employ

ment.

The whole club seemed to join in condemning the season as one of the worst that had come for some time: a gentleman particularly observed that the nobility were never known to subscribe worse than at present. "I know not how it happens,"

said he, "though I follow them up as close as pos sible, yet I can hardly get a single subscription in a week. The houses of the great are as inaccessible as a frontier garrison at midnight. I never see a nobleman's door half-opened, that some surly porter or footman does not stand full in the breach. I was yesterday to wait with a subscription-proposal upon my Lord Squash the Creolin. I had posted myself at his door the whole morning, and just as he was getting into his coach, thrust my proposal snug into his hand, folded up in the form He was too much employed in self-admiration of a letter from myself. He just glanced at the to observe the company; who by nods, winks, superscription, and not knowing the hand, conshrugs, and stifled laughter, testified every mark signed it to his valet de chambre; this respectable of contempt. He turned severally to each for their personage, treated it as his master, and put it into opinion, and found all, however, ready to applaud. the hands of the porter; the porter grasped my proOne swore it was inimitable; another said it was posal frowning; and measuring my figure from damon'd fine; and a third cried out in a rapture, top to toe, put it back into my own hands unCarissimo. At last, addressing himself to the opened." president, "And pray, Mr. Squint," says he, "let "To the devil I pitch all the nobility," cries a litus have your opinion." 'Mine!" answered the tle man in a peculiar accent, "I am sure they have president (taking the manuscript out of the au- of late used me most scurvily. You must know, thor's hand), "May this glass suffocate me, but I gentlemen, some time ago, upon the arrival of a think it equal to any thing I have seen; and I fan- certain noble duke from his travels, I sat myself cy (continued he, doubling up the poem and forcing down, and vamped up a fine flaunting poetical it into the author's pocket) that you will get great panegyric, which I had written in such a strain, honour when it comes out; so I shall beg leave to that I fancied it would have even wheedled milk put it in. We will not intrude upon your good- from a mouse. In this I represented the whole kingnature, in desiring to hear more of it at present; dom welcoming his grace to his native soil, not ex ungue Herculem, we are satisfied, perfectly forgetting the loss France and Italy would sustain satisfied." The author made two or three attempts in their arts by his departure. I expected to to pull it out a second time, and the president made touch for a bank-bill at least; so folding up my as many to prevent him. Thus, though with re- verses in gilt paper, I gave my last half-crown to luctance, he was at last obliged to sit down, con- a genteel servant to be the bearer. My letter was tented with the commendations for which he had safely conveyed to his grace, and the servant, after paid. four hours' absence, during which time I led the When this tempest of poetry and praise was life of a fiend, returned with a letter four times as blown over, one of the company changed the sub- big as mine. Guess my ecstasy at the prospect of

so fine a return. I eagerly took the packet into ever, the wished-for moment of its stopping ar my hands, that trembled to receive it. I kept it rived: this for some time I impatiently expects some time unopened before me, brooding over the expected treasure it contained; when, opening it, as I hope to be saved, gentlemen, his grace had sent me in payment for my poem, no bank-bills, but six copies of verse, each longer than mine, addressed to him upon the same occasion."

and letting down the window in a transport, in order to take a previous view of his lordship's magnificent palace and situation, I found, poison to my sight! I found myself, not in an elegant street, but a paltry lane; not at a noble man's door, but at the door of a sponging house: I found the coachman had all this while been just driving me to gaol; and I saw the bailiff, with a devil's face, coming out to secure me."

"A nobleman," cries a member, who had hitherto been silent, "is created as much for the confusion of us authors, as the catch-pole. I'll tell you a story, gentlemen, which is as true as that To a philosopher, no circumstance, however this pipe is made of clay. When I was delivered trifling, is too minute; he finds instruction and enof my first book, I owed my tailor for a suit of tertainment in occurrences which are passed over clothes; but that is nothing new, you know, and by the rest of mankind as low, trite, and indiffermay be any man's case, as well as mine. Well, ent; it is from the number of these particulars, owing him for a suit of clothes, and hearing which to many appear insignificant, that he is at that my book took very well, he sent for his mo- last enabled to form general conclusions: this, ney, and insisted upon being paid immediately: therefore, must be my excuse for sending so far as though I was at that time rich in fame, for my China, accounts of manners and follies, which, book ran like wild-fire, yet I was very short in though minute in their own nature, serve more money, and being unable to satisfy his demand, truly to characterize this people than histories of prudently resolved to keep my chamber, preferring their public treaties, courts, ministers, negotiations, a prison of my own choosing at home, to one of and ambassadors. Adieu. my tailor's choosing abroad. In vain the bailiff's used all their arts to decoy me from my citadel; in vain they sent to let me know that a gentleman wanted to speak with me at the next tavern; in vain they came with an urgent message from my aunt in the country; in vain I was told that a particular friend was at the point of death, and desired to take his last farewell;-I was deaf, insensible, rock, adamant; the bailiffs could make no impression on my hard heart, for I effectually kept my liberty by never stirring out of the room.

LETTER XXXI.

From the Same.

THE English have not yet brought the art of gardening to the same perfection with the Chinese, but have lately begun to imitate them; nature is now followed with greater assiduity than formerly; the trees are suffered to shoot out into the utmost "This was very well for a fortnight; when one luxuriance; the streams, no longer forced from their morning I received a most splendid message from native beds, are permitted to wind along the valthe Earl of Doomsday, importing, that he had read leys; spontaneous flowers take place of the finished my book, and was in raptures with every line of it; parterre, and the enamelled meadow of the shaven he impatiently longed to see the author, and had green. some designs which might turn out greatly to my Yet still the English are far behind us in this advantage. I paused upon the contents of this charming art; their designers have not yet attained message, and found there could be no deceit, for a power of uniting instruction with beauty. A the card was gilt at the edges, and the bearer, I European will scarcely conceive my meaning, when was told, had quite the looks of a gentleman. I say that there is scarcely a garden in China Witness, ye powers, how my heart triumphed at which does not contain some fine moral, couched my own importance! I saw a long perspective of under the general design, where one is taught wisfelicity before me; I applauded the taste of the dom as he walks, and feels the force of some noble times which never saw genius forsaken; I had pre- truth, or delicate precept, resulting from the dispared a set introductory speech for the occasion; position of the groves, streams, or grottos. Permit five glaring compliments for his lordship, and two me to illustrate what I mean by a description of my more modest for myself. The next morning, gardens at Quamsi. My heart still hovers round therefore, in order to be punctual to my appoint- those scenes of former happiness with pleasure; ment, I took coach, and ordered the fellow to drive and I find a satisfaction in enjoying them at this to the street and house mentioned in his lordship's distance, though but in imagination.

address. I had the precaution to pull up the win- You descended from the house between two dow as I went along, to keep off the busy part of groves of trees, planted in such a manner, that mankind, and, big with expectation, fancied the they were impenetrable to the eye; while on each coach never went fast enough. At length, how-hand the way was adorned with all that was beau

tiful in porcelain, statuary, and painting. This and the imprudence of his choice, I brought him by passage from the house opened into an area sur- a hidden door a shorter way back into the area rounded with rocks, flowers, trees, and shrubs, but from whence at first he had strayed. all so disposed as if each was the spontaneous pro- The gloomy gate now presented itself before the duction of nature. As you proceeded forward on stranger; and though there seemed little in its apthis lawn, to your right and left hand were two pearance to tempt his curiosity, yet, encouraged by gates, opposite each other, of very different archi- the motto, he generally proceeded. The darkness tecture and design, and before you lay a temple. of the entrance, the frightful figures that seemed to built rather with minute elegance than ostenta- obstruct his way, the trees, of a mournful green, tion. conspired at first to disgust him; as he went forThe right hand gate was planned with the ut- ward, however, all began to open and wear a more most simplicity, or rather rudeness: ivy clasped pleasing appearance; beautiful cascades, beds of round the pillars, the baleful cypress hung over it; flowers, trees loaded with fruit or blossoms, and untime seemed to have destroyed all the smoothness expected brooks improved the scene: he now found and regularity of the stone; two champions with that he was ascending, and, as he proceeded, all lifted clubs appeared in the act of guarding its ac- nature grew more beautiful, the prospect widened cess; dragons and serpents were seen in the most as he went higher, even the air itself seemed to behideous attitudes, to deter the spectator from approaching; and the perspective view that lay behind, seemed dark and gloomy to the last degree; the stranger was tempted to enter only from the motto-PERVIA VIRTUTI.

come more pure. Thus pleased and happy from unexpected beauties, I at last led him to an arbour, from whence he could view the garden, and the whole country around, and where he might own, that the road to VIRTUE terminated in HAPPINESS. The opposite gate was formed in a very different Though from this description you may imagine, manner; the architecture was light, elegant, and that a vast tract of ground was necessary to exhibit inviting; flowers hung in wreaths round the pil- such a pleasing variety in, yet be assured, I have lars; all was finished in the most exact and mas-seen several gardens in England take up ten times terly manner; the very stone of which it was built the space which mine did, without half the beauty. still preserved its polish; nymphs, wrought by the A very small extent of ground is enough for an hand of a master, in the most alluring attitudes, elegant taste; the greater room is required if magbeckoned the stranger to approach; while all that nificence is in view. There is no spot, though lay behind, as far as the eye could reach, seemed ever so little, which a skilful designer might not gay, luxuriant, and capable of affording endless thus improve, so as to convey a delicate allegory, pleasure. The motto itself contributed to invite and impress the mind with truths the most useful him; for over the gate were written these words- and necessary. Adieu.

FACILIS DESCENSUS.

LETTER XXXII.

From the Same.

By this time I fancy you begin to perceive, that the gloomy gate was designed to represent the road to Virtue; the opposite, the more agreeable passage to Vice. It is but natural to suppose, that the spectator was always tempted to enter by the gate which offered him so many allurements. I always In a late excursion with my friend into the counin these cases left him to his choice; but generally try, a gentleman with a blue riband tied round his found that he took to the left, which promised most shoulder, and in a chariot drawn by six horses, entertainment. passed swiftly by us, attended with a numerous Immediately upon his entering the gate of Vice, train of captains, lacqueys, and coaches filled with the trees and flowers were disposed in such a man- women. When we were recovered from the dust ner as to make the most pleasing impression; but raised by this cavalcade, and could continue our as he walked farther on, he insensibly found the discourse without danger of suffocation, I observed garden assume the air of a wilderness, the land- to my companion, that all this state and equipage, scapes began to darken, the paths grew more intri- which he seemed to despise, would in China be recate, he appeared to go downwards, frightful rocks garded with the utmost reverence, because such disseemed to hang over his head, gloomy caverns, un-tinctions were always the reward of merit; the expected precipices, awful ruins, heaps of unburied greatness of a mandarine's retinue being a most bones, and terrifying sounds, caused by unseen wa- certain mark of the superiority of his abilities or ters, began to take place of what at first appeared virtue.

so lovely; it was in vain to attempt returning, the The gentleman who has now passed us, replied labyrinth was too much perplexed for any but my- my companion, has no claims from his own merit self to find the way back. In short, when suffi- to distinction; he is possessed neither of abilities ciently impressed with the horrors of what he saw, nor virtue; it is enough for him that one of his an