THE SURPRISING, UNHEARD-OF, AND NEVER-TO-BE-SURPASSED

TRAV

STORY THE FIFTH-OF TRAVELS.

RAVELLERS see strange things; but, as they tell shocking stories about what little they have seen, I must warn you all against such men as Burton, Speke, or Livingstone, before comTRAVELLERS' TALES. mencing my modest narration of the many wonders

which I have been so fortunate as to fall across.

I have travelled everywhere.

I have seen everything.

I have been to the six quarters of the globe, have frizzled in the torrid and frozen in the frigid zone, sounded the depths of the ocean, scaled the heights of the Himalayas, suffered in the desert, and feasted with the Fastidious Fejees. It is all the same to me; travel I must. Talk to me about discovering the sources of the Nile-when Speke and Grant were being bamboozled by the African chiefs, what did I do? I made myself a noble pair of stilts, so long, that I saw right over Lake Nyanza as if it had been laid out in an Ordnance map; and so strong, being of lignum vitæ, that neither African knife, saw, nor hatchet could cut them through. Many a time before and since have I found the benefit of this safe and quick mode of travelling; indeed, the only danger I have feared is from snakes,

ON STILTS.

SPITCH-COCKED

SNAKE.

as they climb up my stilts almost before I am aware of them; but then I always carry a portable cookingstove on my back, so that, at least, they have served me for dinner, being very tasteful food, either stewed, spitch-cocked, or fried.

When stilts do not serve, the next best plan is to walk backwards, as I did to Palestine. This method has the benefit of entirely confusing the intellects of the natives; it keeps your mind well occupied with the aspect of the journey of the day

BACKWARD WALK.

U

before, and hides from your eyes the horrors of the difficulties to come; you are better able to believe all the stories you are told; and if, being a coward (I am not), you are attacked by robbers, you have the opportunity of running away, without the shame of turning tail.

CHAUSEN HOP.

The worst of these two capital plans for getting along is, that unless you are as strong in the limbs as I happen to be, they will prove very tiring it was, indeed, to rid me of this difficulty, that I invented the famous Munchausen hop; it combines rest with THE FAMOUS MUN- exertion. You start on your right leg and hop the first twenty or thirty miles, then change your support, and on the left leg, fresh and vigorous, hop another forty-so changing, on you may go, night and day, without stopping; at all events, if you do without sleep as I do. Nineteen of us started from Sydney, each with his little bag of oatmeal and his box of pemmican (an invention of my own), and hopped clean across Central Australia, making friends with the natives as we passed, and planting the cotton-tree of civilization into the bargain.

I have tried my famous hop across the desert of Sahara; but, although it answered very well, on the whole, I prefer my camel-the heat of the sand is so apt to inflame the sole of the foot, unless, indeed, as in my case, you have a water-cart to go on before, cooling the ground, and that is an expensive operation, after all, in a country where water is so precious.

THE WATER-CART OF
THE DESERT.

However, for a good start, which is half the battle on a long voyage, give me my steel spring; it is so simple, and, with a good aim, so safe. Take a steel wire, of the thickness of your thumb, and coil it into a spring; then temper it, and, after, fix it into the

JACK-IN-THE-BOX.

ground, its enormous power being held down by a strong wrought-steel catch, fashioned somewhat like a railway break; stand in the top coil of your spring, call to your man to "release!" and away you fly, straight as an arrow, to the spot towards which you have skilfully directed your spring.

I call it "Jack-in-the-Box!" albeit, there is no box at all, and my name is not Jack; it is my favourite way of commencing a journey, saves so much trouble, and, what is more, expense. Of course it is as well to be careful of your direction before starting : the last time I made for Jericho, the spring swerved fifty-nine seventy-fourths of an inch too much toward the east.

Lo! before I knew what was the matter, I was in Japan.

This was a bother: it might have been worse. I found English, Americans, and Russians all at loggerheads with both Tycoon and Mikado, so got up a party of Daimios, whose friendship I had secured on a previous

OF JAPAN.

visit, and, after having put down the Tycoon, and made mincemeat of the Mikado, just quietly disarmed the Daimios THE ENGLISH COLONY and their followers, establishing the honest English rule full in sight of Nagasaki. I take no credit to myself for this bit of sharp practice-it merely shows how much may be accomplished by a cool head and a powerful will.

I would not by any means advise the use of my "Jack" for the purposes of the Alpine Club. Oh dear, no! They once tried it, and the whole party, including Tyndal, who slipped in at the last moment, were landed on the Peak of Teneriffe, where I hear, by telegram, they are now waiting for me to fetch them back again. My plan for mountaineering is of a more deliberate character; it is not founded on Jack-in-the-Box, but on that other toy, which is used for the marshalling of little wooden soldiers,

"LAZY TONGS."

and which, I believe, is called "lazy tongs." Now, if you look at the picture I have had drawn, you will see how calmly I seat myself on the top joint, and allow my two servants, the old man and his son, to lift me quietly upon just exactly the peak or ridge which I have previously pointed out to them. It is in this way that I have exhausted all the wonders of Mont Blanc, settled for ever the conflicting theories of glacier formation, put an end to the disputed questions with regard to the Himalayas, and from a mountain, the name of which I refuse to disclose, brought down safely, and deposited in the Asiatic section of the British Museum, the door, window, and thick end of the rudder of Noah's ark. I am now on my way with my "lazy tongs," my good old man and his son, to Teneriffe, hoping to restore Professor Tyndal and the Alpine Club to that "Royal Society" which they so much adorn. I was travelling on a high-pressure engine in Pennsylvania last year, when the crazy thing exploded, and we were all blown up. I do not know what became of the engine-driver and stoker-I have never been able to hear of them since; but for myself, I was sent TRAVELLING BY in a great hurry across the Pacific Ocean, and where I should have stopped I cannot tell, had I not luckily struck my forehead against a knot in the south pole. It gave me a headache and a great bump, but saved my life, I believe.

STEAM.

They are a gentle but intelligent race-the South Polacks; I believe, if it were not for a prejudice against daylight, which still exists among them, it would be possible to plant the cotton-tree of civilization even here. I lived with them happily for some weeks; but they have such a bad habit of snoring in their sleep, that I could not rest in my bed, so took advantage of a return whale, starting off for a glimpse of the sun, and, on his back, reached the bay of Panama, whence I took ship for England the very next day.

THE SOUTH POLACKS.

THE RUSSIAN ROLL.

Talking of explosions, reminds me of being upset by a droschkydriver, in the outskirts of St. Petersburg, and rolling away with such a terrible impetus, that I rolled right through Russia, fell down a coppermine in the Ural Mountains, put both arms and my right leg out of joint, was taken prisoner on suspicion of being a spy, and kept in Siberia, until, after pulling my arms and my leg back into their sockets, I wrote to the Emperor himself, and so obtained a tardy release: however, this was a hint to me that, feared as is the name of Munchausen, even disguise might be necessary.

How to disguise? Well! When I went through China, I took care to travel on my hands, so as to hide from them my European and too well-known features, and by this means not only suffiHOW TO DISGUISE. ciently concealed my identity, but so frightened the poor mandarins, that, as you will see in the centre of the picture, they all fell of a-heap, the old fat one, he of the "first order," in his terror seizing two of the pigtails of his brother officers, and there I left them.

I do not deny that it requires a certain presence of mind, with some moral courage, to travel comfortably on your hands, and that it is also proper to wear a good thick pair of leather gloves; still, this upsidedown fashion has its advantages, even on the score of economy, for you cannot wear out your boots, which, moreover, dangling above your head, serve as a kind of sunshade as you go along.

I would not advise any one to go to the Marquesas Islands on horseback, unless they get good well-trained sea-horses, as I did; then they will find it easy enough. With the ordinary racer, I have myself failed to accomplish more than half the journey, being forced to put up at Cape Horn, and really glad to have safely galloped so far.

SEA-HORSES.

THE LONDON WATER
SUPPLY.

But if horses are untrustworthy, not so is the camel. I trained a large dromedary to such a state of perfection, that not only could the faithful animal go for years without wanting water, but, moreover, its supply was so pure and plentiful, that on my return to England I sold him to the New River Company, and well housed at Newington, near the Manor House, he serves as their principal reservoir. Unfortunately, one cannot well make an intimate friend of the camel, he is so wayward; but the elephant, although his power of endurance is not nearly so great, is more dependable. An elephant I once caught in Ceylon-the same old fellow that used to carry me on his trunk-was so intelligent, that, being in want of a clerk to help me in my correspondence and accounts, I taught my dear white elephant to read, write, and cypher; you will be astonished to hear that his handwriting was of the delicate angular pattern, and

THE EDUCATED
ELEPHANT.

I

that he could never read the Morning Star with patience, because of its very careless punctuation. Alas! he is no more. lost him in Egypt, where, had I not, with great skill and perseverance, harnessed and driven twelve crocodiles in hand, I should, I think, have been lost also. Even as it was, the great reptiles were quite useless in turning sharply round a corner, and reminded me how much more successful I had been with the Dover mail-coach, when, years ago, I set it off at such a speed, that, although I drove it over Shakespeare's Cliff into the sea, it went too fast to sink, and successfully made the voyage to the Sandwich Islands, where the chief, to whom of course I presented it, used the machine for his royal progresses, and is very proud of it, I assure you. Yet, of all the plans for voyaging by sea that I have yet invented, I think my

TOO FAST TO SINK.

"PATENT SELF-ACTING AND SELF-FLOATING RAILWAY

MUNCHAUSEN.

is the best. The rail, which is made of indurated cork and india-rubber bands, thrown on to the water, looks like a strip of GEORGE STEPHENSON stair carpeting. The engine and carriage, a beautiful combination of the old copper kettle and the garden wheelbarrow, being attached to the near end, rolls itself up with such force in the strip of railway, as to expend its effort in throwing the rail off again; once more it rolls itself up, once more it casts off, and so on; alternately rolling up and casting off, it makes a safe, quick, and pleasant sea voyage at the rate of, say, twelve knots an hour: such is the advantage of science when wielded by boys like Munchausen. This simple machine has already run me over to the Friendly Isles and the Society

Isles. I purpose next year to carry the mails between this country and

Australia, if I find I have nothing better to occupy my time.

It was in this way I crossed the ice, and discovered the north-west passage; set the Franklin difficulty for ever at rest; tried, unsucessfully, to plant the cotton-tree of civilization, and finally introduced the art of dancing among the polar bears.

I tried travelling in a large bottle, but suffered sadly from want of fresh air.

BIRD-BACK v.
BELLOWS AND

As for Sindbad's notion of riding a bird-back, I shall never think the inconvenience of such primitive transit at all repaid by the rapid journey I made to Mexico and the Diamond Valleys Far before such an uncomfortable plan I must reckon BROOMSTICK. the bellows system-another of my inventions-by means of which I gained access to the mines of Peru: it is accomplished by sheer strength of the left arm, with the aid of a common