THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF TRISTRAM SHANDY, GENT. SLAWKENBERGII FABELLA. SLAWKENBERGIUS'S TALE. It was one cool refreshing evening, at the close of a very sultry day, in the latter end of the month of August, when a stranger, mounted upon a dark mule, with a small cloak-bag behind him, containing a few shirts, a pair of shoes, and a crimson-satin pair of breeches, entered the town of Strasburg. He told the sentinel, who questioned him as he entered the gates, that he had been at the Promontory of Noses-was going on to Frankfort and should be back again at Strasburg that day month, in his way to the borders of Crim Tartary. The sentinel looked up into the stranger's face:he never saw such a nose in his life! -I have made a very good venture of it, quoth the stranger ;-so slipping his wrist out of the loop of a black ribbon, to which a short scymitar was hung, he put his hand into his pocket, and with great courtesy touching the fore-part of his cap with his left hand, as he extended his right-he put a florin into the sentinel's hand, and passed on. It grieves me, said the sentinel, speaking to a little dwarfish bandy-legged drummer, that so courteous a soul should have lost his scabbard he cannot travel without one to his scymitar, and will not be able to get a scabbard to fit it in all Strasburg.- -I never had one, replied the stranger, looking back to the sentinel, and putting his hand up to his cap as he spoke-I carry it, continued he, thus-holding up his naked scymitar, his mule moving on slowly all the time, on purpose to defend my nose. As Hafen Slawkenbergius de Nasis, is extremely scarce, it may not be unacceptable to the learned reader to see the specimen of a few pages of his original. I will make no reflection upon it, but that his story-telling Latin is much more concise than his philosophic-and, I think, has more of Latinity in it. Quantus nasus! æque longus est, ait tubicina, ac tuba. Et ex eodem metallo, ait tubicen, velut sternutamento audias. Tantum abest, respondit illa, quod fistulam dulcedine vincit. Eneus est, ait tubicen. Nequaquam, respondit uxor. Rursum affirmo, ait tubicen, quod æneus est. Rem penitus explorabo; prius, enim digito tangam, ait uxor, quam dormivero. Mulus peregrini gradu lento progressus est, ut unumquodque verbum controversiæ, non tantum inter militem et tympanistam, vérum etiam inter tubicinem et uxorem ejus, audiret. Nequaquam, ait ille, in muli collum fræna demittens, et manibus ambabus in pectus positis (mulo lentè progrediente) nequaquam ait ille respiciens, non necesse est ut res isthæc dilucidata foret. Minime gentium! meus nasus nunquam tangetur, dum spiritus hos reget artus Ad quid agendum? ait uxor burgomagistri. Peregrinus illi non respondit. Votum faciebat tunc temporis Sancto Nicolao; quo facto, in sinum dextram inserens, e quâ negligenter pependit acinaces, lento gradu processit per plateam Argentorati latam quæ ad diversorium templo ex adversum ducit. Peregrinus mulo descendens stabulo includi, et manticam inferri jussit: quâ apertâ et coccineis sericis femoralibus extractis cum argento It is well worth it, gentle stranger, replied the sentinel. 'Tis not worth a single stiver, said the bandy-legged drummer,-'tis a nose of parch ment. As I am a true Catholic-except that it is six times as big-'tis a nose, said the sentinel, like my own. -I heard it crackle, said the drummer. What a pity, cried the bandy-legged drummer, we did not both touch it! At the very time that this dispute was maintaining by the sentinel and the drummer,-was the same point debating betwixt a trumpeter and a trumpeter's wife, who were just then coming up, and had stopped to see the stranger pass by. Benedicite !- -What a nose! 'tis as long, said the trumpeter's wife, as a trumpet. And of the same metal, said the trumpeter, as you hear by its sneezing. 'Tis as soft as a flute, said she. -"Tis brass, said the trumpeter. 'Tis a pudding's end, said his wife. I tell thee again, said the trumpeter, 'tis a brazen nose. I'll know the bottom of it, said the trumpeter's wife, for I will touch it with my finger before I sleep. The stranger's mule moved on at so slow a rate that he heard every word of the dispute, not only betwixt the sentinel and the drummer, but betwixt the trumpeter and the trumpeter's wife. No! said he, dropping his reins upon his mule's neck, and laying both his hands upon his breast, the one over the other in a saint-like position (his mule going on easily all the time) No! said he, looking up,-I am not such a debtor to the world,-slandered and disappointed as I have been,-as to give it that conviction-no! said he, my nose shall never be touched whilst Heaven gives me strengthTo do what? said a burgomaster's wife. The stranger took no notice of the burgomaster's wife; he was making a vow to Saint Nicholas; which done, having uncrossed his arms with the same solemnity with which he crossed them, he took up the reins of his bridle with his left hand, and putting his right hand into his bosom, with his scymitar hanging loosely to the wrist of it, he rode on as slowly as one foot of the mule could follow another, through the principal streets of Strasburg, till chance brought him to the great inn in the market-place, overagainst the church. The moment the stranger alighted, he ordered his mule to be led into the stable, and his cloakbag to be brought in; then opening, and taking laciniato Пepquavre, his sese induit, statimque, acinaci in manu, ad forum deambulavit. Quod ubi peregrinus esset ingressus, uxorem tubicinis obviam euntem aspicit; illico cursum flectit, metuens ne nasus suus exploraretur, atque ad diversorium regressus est-exuit se vestibus; braccas coccineas sericas manticæ imposuit mulumque educi jussit. Francofurtum proficiscor, ait ille, et Argentoratum quatuor abhinc hebdomadis revertar. Bene curasti hoc jumentum (ait) muli faciem manu demulcens-me, manticamque meam, plus sexcentis mille passibus portavit. Longa via est! respondit hospes, nisi plurimum esset negotii.-Enimvero, ait peregrinus, a Nasorum promontorio redivi, et nasum speciosissimum, egregiosissimumque quem unquam quisquam sortitus est, acquisivi. Dum peregrinus hanc miram rationem de se ipso reddit, hospes et uxor ejus, oculis intentis, peregrini nasum contemplantur-Per sanctos sanctasque omnes, ait hospitis uxor, nasis duodecim maximis in toto Argentorato major est! -est ne, ait illa mariti in aurem insusurrans, nonne est nasus prægrandis ? Dolus inest, anime mi, ait hospes-nasus est falsus. Verus est, respondit uxor. Ex abiete factus est, ait ille, terebinthinum olet. Carbunculus inest, ait uxor. Mortuus est nasus, respondit hospes. Votum feci Sancto Nicholao, ait peregrinus, nasum meum intactum fore usque ad-Quodnam tempus? illico respondit illa. Minimè tangetur, inquit ille (manibus in pectus compositis) usque ad illam horam.— Quam horam? ait illa- -Nullam, respondit peregrinus, donec pervenio ad-Quem locum, obsecro? ait illa Peregrinus nil respondens mulo conscenso discessit. out of it his crimson-satin breeches, with a silver-fringed-(appendage to them, which I dare not translate)-he put his breeches, with his fringed cod-piece on, and forthwith, with his short scymitar in his hand, walked out to the grand parade. The stranger had just taken three turns upon the parade, when he perceived the trumpeter's wife at the opposite side of it;-so, turning short, in pain lest his nose should be attempted, he instantly went back to his inn,-undressed himself, packed up his crimson-satin breeches, &c. in his cloak-bag, and called for his mule. I am going forwards, said the stranger, for Frankfort, and shall be back at Strasburg this day month. I hope, continued the stranger, stroking down the face of his mule with his left hand as he was going to mount it, that you have been kind to this faithful slave of mine,-it has carried me and my cloak-bag, continued he, tapping the mule's back, above six hundred leagues. 'Tis a long journey, sir, replied the mas ter of the inn-unless a man has great business. -Tut! tut! said the stranger, I have been at the Promontory of Noses; and have got me one of the goodliest and jolliest, thank Heaven, that ever fell to a single man's lot. Whilst the stranger was giving this odd account of himself, the master of the inn, and his wife, kept both their eyes fixed full upon the stranger's nose.By Saint Radagunda, said the inn-keeper's wife to herself, there is more of it than in any dozen of the largest noses put together in all Strasburg! Is it not, said she, whispering her husband in his ear, is it not a noble nose? 'Tis an imposture, my dear, said the master of the inn ;-'tis a false nose. 'Tis a true nose, said his wife. 'Tis made of fir-tree, said he; I smell the turpentine. There's a pimple on it, said she. 'Tis a dead nose, replied the inn-keeper. 'Tis a live nose, and if I am alive myself, said the inn-keeper's wife, I will touch it. I have made a vow to Saint Nicholas this day, said the stranger, that my nose shall not be touched till- -Here the stranger, suspending his voice, looked up.Till when? said she, hastily. It never shall be touched, said he, clasping his hands and bringing them close to his breast, till that hour-What hour? cried the innkeeper's wife. Never!-never! said the stranger, never, till I am got-For Heaven's sake, into what place? said she.The stranger rode away without saying a word. The stranger had not got half a league on his way towards Frankfort, before all the city of Strasburg was in an uproar about his nose. The Compline bells were just ringing to call the Strasburghers to their devotions, and shut up the duties of the day in prayer:-no soul in all Strasburg heard 'em,-the city was like a swarm of bees,-men, women, and children, (the Compline bells tinkling all the time), flying here and there-in at one door, and out at another, this way and that way,-long ways and cross ways,-up one street, down another street,-in at this alley, out at that ;-Did you see it? did you see it? did you see it? O! did you see it? who saw it? who did see it? for mercy's sake, who saw it? Alack-a-day! I was at vespers!-I was washing, I was starching, I was scouring, I was quilting-God help me! I never saw it-I never touch'd it! would I had been a sentinel, a bandy-legg'd drummer, a trumpeter, a trumpeter's wife, was the general cry and lamenta tion in every street and corner of Strasburg. Whilst all this confusion and disorder triumphed throughout the great city of Strasburg, was the courteous stranger going on as gently upon his mule, in his way to Frankfort, as if he had no concern at all in the affair,--talking all the way he rode, in broken sentences, sometimes to his mule,-sometimes to himself, -sometimes to his Julia. O, Julia, my lovely Julia!nay, I cannot stop to let thee bite that thistle,-that ever the suspected tongue of a rival should have robbed me of enjoyment when I was upon the point of tasting it! -Pugh!-'tis nothing but a thistle,- -never mind it ;-thou shalt have a better supper at night. -Banished from my country,-my friends, -from thee Poor devil, thou art sadly tired with the journey!Come,-get on a little faster, there's nothing in my cloak-bag but two shirts, -a crimson-satin pair of breeches, and a fringed, dear Julia! -But why to Frankfort ?—is it that there is a hand unfelt, which secretly is conducting me through these meanders and unsuspected tracks Stumbling! by St Nicholas ! every step! Why, at this rate we shall be all night in getting in To happiness ;—or am I to be the sport of fortune and slander?-destined to be driven forth unconvicted, unheard untouched; -if so, why did I not stay at Strasburg, where justice-but I had sworn! Come, thou shalt drink to Saint Nicholas-O, Julia!- -What dost thou prick up thy ears at?-'tis nothing but a man, &c. The stranger rode on communing in this manner with his mule and Julia,-till he arrived at his inn, where, as soon as he arrived, he alighted;-saw his mule, as he had promised it, taken good care of,-took off his cloak-bag, with his crimson-satin breeches, &c. in it,-called for an omelet for his supper, went to his bed about twelve o'clock, and in five minutes fell fast asleep. It was about the same hour when the tumult in Strasburg being abated for that night,-the Strasburgers had all got quietly into their beds, but not, like the stranger, for the rest either of their minds or bodies; Queen Mab, like an elf as she was, had taken the stranger's nose, and without reduction of its bulk, had that night been at the pains of slitting and dividing it into as many noses of different cuts and fashions, as there were heads in Strasburg to hold them. The abbess of Quedlingberg, who with the four great dignitaries of her chapter, the prioress, the deaness, the subchantress, and senior canoness, had that week come to Strasburg to consult the university upon a case of conscience relating to their placket-holes,-was ill all the night. The courteous stranger's nose had got perched upon the top of the pineal gland of her brain, and made such rousing work in the fancies of the four great dignitaries of her chapter, they could not get a wink of sleep the whole night through for it ;-there was no keeping a limb still amongst them:-in short, they got up like so many ghosts. The penitentiaries of the third order of Saint Francis,-the nuns of Mount Calvary, -the Præmonstratenses, the Clunienses,*—the Carthusians, and all the severer orders of nuns, who lay that night in blankets or hair-cloth, were still in a worse condition than the abbess of Quedlingberg.-By tossing and tumbling, and tumbling and tossing from one side of their beds to the other the whole night long, the several sisterhoods had scratch'd and maul'd themselves all to death;—they got out of their beds almost flay'd alive; every body thought Saint Anthony had visited them for probation with his fire;-they had never once, in short, shut their eyes the whole night long, from vespers to matins. The nuns of Saint Ursula acted the wisest ; they had never attempted to go to bed at all. The dean of Strasburg, the prebendaries, the capitulars and domiciliars (capitularly assembled in the morning to consider the case of buttered buns), all wished they had followed the nuns of Saint Ursula's example. In the hurry and confusion every thing had been in the night before, the bakers had all forgot to lay their leaven, there were no buttered buns to be had for breakfast in all Strasburg: Hafen Slawkenbergius means the Benedictine nuns of Cluny, founded in the year 940, by Odo Abbe de Cluny. -the whole close of the cathedral was in one eternal commotion;-such a cause of restlessness and disquietude, and such a zealous inquiry into the cause of that restlessness, had never happened in Strasburg, since Martin Luther, with his doctrines, had turned the city upside down. If the stranger's nose took this liberty of thrusting itself thus into the dishes* of religious orders, &c. what a carnival did his nose make of it, in those of the laity!-'tis more than my pen, worn to the stump as it is, bas power to describe; though I acknowledge, (cries Slawkenbergius with more gaiety of thought than I could have expected from him) that there is many a good simile now subsisting in the world which might give my countrymen some idea of it; but, at the close of such a folio as this, wrote for their sakes, and in which I have spent the greatest part of my life-though I own to them the simile is in being, yet would it not be unreasonable in them to expect I should have either time or inclination to search for it? Let it suffice to say, that the riot and disorder it occasioned in the Strasburgers' fantasies was so general, such an overpowering mastership had it got of all the faculties of Strasburgers' minds -so many strange things, with equal confidence on all sides, and with equal eloquence in all places, were spoken and sworn to concerning it, that it turned the whole stream of all discourse and wonder towards it—every soul, good and badrich and poor-learned and unlearned-doctor and student-mistress and maid-gentle and simple-nun's flesh and woman's flesh in Strasburg, spent their time in hearing tidings about it-every eye in Strasburg languished to see it-every finger-every thumb in Strasburg burned to touch it. Now, what might add, if any thing may be thought necessary to add to so vehement a desire —was this, that the sentinel, the bandy-legged drummer, the trumpeter, the trumpeter's wife, the burgomaster's widow, the master of the inn, and the master of the inn's wife, how widely soever they all differed every one from another in their testimonies and descriptions of the stranger's nose- -they all agreed together in two points-namely, that he was gone to Frankfort, and would not return to Strasburg till that day month; and, secondly, whether his nose was true or false, that the stranger himself was one of the most perfect paragons of beauty the finest made man!-the most genteel!-the most generous of his purse-the most courteous in his carriage, that had ever entered the gates of Strasburg-that as he rode with his scymitar slung loosely to his wrist, through the streets -and walked with his crimson-satin breeches across the parade-'twas with so sweet an air of careless modesty, and so manly withal-as would have put the heart in jeopardy (had his nose not stood in his way) of every virgin who had cast her eyes upon him. I call not upon that heart which is a stranger to the throbs and yearnings of curiosity, so excited, to justify the abbess of Quedlingberg, the prioress, the deaness, the sub-chantress, for sending at noon-day for the trumpeter's wife: she went through the streets of Strasburg with her husband's trumpet in her hand, the best apparatus the straitness of the time would allow her for the illustration of her theory-she staid no longer than three days. The sentinel and the bandy-legged drummer! nothing on this side of old Athens could equal them! they read their lectures under the city gates, to comers and goers, with all the pomp of a Chrysippus and a Crantor in their porticoes. The master of the inn, with his ostler on his left hand, read his also in the same style-under the portico or gateway of his stable-yard; his wife, her's more privately in a back-room: all flocked to their lectures; not promiscuously, but to this or that, as is ever the way, as faith and credulity marshalled them-in a word, each Strasburger came crowding for intelligenceand every Strasburger had the intelligence he wanted. "Tis worth remarking, for the benefit of all demonstrators in natural philosophy, &c. that as soon as the trumpeter's wife had finished the abbess of Quedlingberg's private lecture, and had begun to read in public, which she did upon a stool in the middle of the great parade-she incommoded the other demonstrators mainly, by gaining incontinently the most fashionable part of the city of Strasburg for her auditory.But when a demonstrator in philosophy (cries Slawkenbergius) has a trumpet for an apparatus, pray what rival in science can pretend to be heard beside him? Whilst the unlearned, through these conduits of intelligence, were all busied in getting down to the bottom of the well, where TRUTH keeps her little court-were the learned in their way as busy in pumping her up through the conduits of dialect induction-they concerned themselves not with facts--they reasoned.— Not one profession had thrown more light upon this subject than the faculty-had not all their disputes about it run into the affair of wens and oedematous swellings; they could not keep clear of them for their bloods and souls: the stranger's nose had nothing to do either with wens or oedematous swellings. It was demonstrated, however, very satisfac Mr Shandy's compliments to orators,-is very sensible that Slawkenbergius has here changed his metaphor,—which he is very guilty of :—that, as a translator, Mr Shandy has all along done what he could to make him stick to it, but here 'twas impossible. |