1 assure your being well in a month or two. Jand, what was still worse, from a delicious Well, indeed! No, no, people are not so dream concerning Sophia. soon well of such contusions; but, sir, I am Will you be blooded or no?" cries the not at this time of day to be instructed in my operations by a patient, and I insist on making a revulsion before I dress you.' Jones persisted obstinately in his refusal, and the doctor at last yielded; telling him at the same time that he would not be answerable for the ill consequence, and hoped he would do him the justice to acknowledge that he had given him a contrary advice; which the patient promised he would. The doctor retired into the kitchen, where, addressing himself to the landlady, he complained bitterly of the undutiful behaviour of his patient, who would not be blooded, though he was in a fever. 'It is an eating fever, then,' says the landlady; 'for he hath devoured two swingeing buttered toasts this morning for breakfast. 'Very likely,' says the doctor: 'I have known people eat in a fever; and it is very easily accounted for; because the acidity occasioned by the febrile matter may stimulate the nerves of the diaphragm, and thereby occasion a craving which will not be easily distinguishable from a natural ap- | petite; but the aliment will not be concreted, nor assimilated into chyle, and so will corrode the vascular orifices, and thus will aggravate the febrific symptoms. Indeed, I think the gentleman in a very dangerous way, and, if he is not blooded, I am afraid will die.' 'Every man must die some time or other,' answered the good woman; 'it is no business of mine. I hope, doctor, you would not have me hold him while you bleed him. But, harkee, a word in your ear; I would advise you, before you proceed too far, to take care who is to be your paymaster.' Paymaster,' said the doctor, staring; Why, I've a gentleman under my hands, have I not?? 'I imagined so as well as you,' said the landlady; but, as my first husband used to say, every thing is not what it looks to be. He is an arrant scrub, I assure you. However, take no notice that I mentioned any thing to you of the matter; but I think people in business oft always to let one another know such things.' 'And have I suffered such a fellow as this,' cries the doctor, in a passion, 'to instruct me? Shall I hear my practice insulted by one who will not pay me! I am glad I have made this discovery in time. I will see now whether he will be blooded or no.' He then immediately went up stairs, and flinging open the door of the chamber with much violence, awaked poor Jones from a very sound nap, into which he was fallen, doctor, in a rage. 'I have told you my resolution already, answered Jones, 'and I wish with all my heart you had taken my answer; for you have awakened me out of the sweetest sleep which I ever had in my life.' "Ay, ay,' cries the doctor; 'many a man hath dozed away his life. Sleep is not always good, no more than food; but remember, I demand of you for the last time, will you be blooded?"-'I answer you for the last time,' said Jones, 'I will not.'Then I wash my hands of you,' cries the doctor; 'and I desire you to pay me for the trouble I have had already. Two journeys at 5s. each, two dressings at 5s. more, and halfa crown for phlebotomy.'--'I hope, said Jones, you don't intend to leave me in this condition.' 'Indeed, but I shall,' said the other. Then,' said Jones, 'you have used me most rascally, and I will not pay you a farthing.'-'Very well,' cries the doctor; 'the first loss is the best. What a pox did my landlady mean by sending for me to such vagabonds!' At which words he flung out of the room, and his patient turning himself about soon recovered his sleep; but his dream was unfortunately gone. CHAPTER IV. In which is introduced one of the pleasantest barbers that was ever recorded in history, the barber of Bagdad, or he in Don Quixote, not excepted. THE clock had now struck five, when Jones awaked from a nap of seven hours, so much refreshed, and in such perfect health and spirits, that he resolved to get up and dress himself; for which purpose he unlocked his portmanteau, and took out clean linen and a suit of clothes; but first he slipt on a frock, and went down into the kitchen to bespeak something that might pacify certain tumults he found rising within his stomach. Meeting the landlady, he accosted her with great civility, and asked, 'What he could have for dinner?"-'For dinner!" savs she; it is an odd time of day to think about dinner. There is nothing drest in the house, and the fire is almost out.'-' Well, but,' says he, 'I must have something to eat, and it is indifferent to me what; for, to tell you the truth, I was never more hungry in my life.' - 'Then,' says she, 'I believe there is a piece of cold buttock and carrot, which will fit you.'-' Nothing better,' answered Jones; 'but I should be obliged to you, if you would let it be fried.' To which the landlady consented, and said, smiling, 'She was glad to see it. He was a dancing-master; and behim so well recovered;' for the sweetness cause I could read before I could dance, he of our hero's temper was almost irresistible; besides, she was really no ill-humoured woman at the bottom; but she loved money so much, that she hated every thing which had the semblance of poverty. Jones now returned, in order to dress himself, while his dinner was preparing, and was, according to his orders, attended by the barber. This barber, who went by the name of Little Benjamin, was a fellow of great oddity and humour, which had frequently led him into small inconveniences, such as slaps in the face, kicks in the breech, broken bones, &c. For every one doth not understand a jest; and those who do are often displeased with being themselves the subject of it. This vice was, however, incurable in him; and though he had often smarted for it, yet if ever he conceived a joke, he was certain to be delivered of it, without the least respect of persons, time, or place. He had a great many other particularities in his character, which I shall not mention, as the reader will himself very easily perceive them, on his farther acquaintance with this extraordinary person. took an aversion to me, and left every farthing among his other children.-Will you please to have your temples-Ola! I ask your pardon, I fancy there is hiatus in manuscriptis. I heard you was going to the wars; but I find it was a mistake.' 'Why do you conclude so?" says Jones. Sure, sir, answered the barber, 'you are too wise a man to carry a broken head thither; for that would be carrying coals to Newcastle.' 'Upon my word,' cries Jones, 'thou art a very odd fellow, and I like thy humour extremely; I shall be very glad if thou wilt come to me after dinner, and drink a glass with me; I long to be better acquainted with thee.' Jones being impatient to be dressed, for had no charms for my landlady; for as that a reason which may easily be imagined, thought the shaver was very tedious in 'O dear sir!' said the barber, 'I can do you twenty times as great a favour, if you will accept of it.'- What is that, my friend?" cries Jones. 'Why, I will drink a bottle with you, if you please; for I dearly love good-nature; and as you have found me out to be a comical fellow, so I have no skill in physiognomy, if you are not one of the best-natured gentlemen in the universe.' Jones now walked down stairs neatly dressed, and perhaps the fair Adonis was not of a lovelier figure; and yet he good woman did not resemble Venus at all in her person, so neither did she in her preparing his suds, and begged him to taste. Happy had it been for Nanny, the make haste; to which the other answered chambermaid, if she had seen with the eyes with much gravity, for he never discom- of her mistress; for that poor girl fell so posed his muscles on any account, festina violently in love with poor Jones in five lente is a proverb which I learned long be- minutes, that her passion afterwards cost fore I ever touched a razor.'-'I find, friend, her many a sigh. This Nancy was exyou are a scholar,' replied Jones. 'A poor tremely pretty, and altogether as coy; for one,' said the barber, 'non omnia possu- she had refused a drawer, and one or two mus omnes.' 'Again!' said Jones; Ifan- young farmers in the neighbourhood, but cy you are good at capping verses.'-' Ex- the bright eyes of our hero thawed all her cuse me, sir,' said the barber, 'non tanto ice in a moment. me dignor honore.' And then proceeding to his operation, Sir,' said he, 'since I have dealt in suds, I could never discover more than two reasons for shaving; the one is to get a beard, and the other to get rid of one. I conjecture, sir, it may not be long since you shaved, from the former of these motives. Upon my word, you have had good success; for one may say of your beard, that it is tondenti gravior.' 'I conjecture,' says Jones, 'that thou art a very comical fellow.'-' You mistake me widely, sir,' said the barber; 'I am too much addicted to the study of philosophy; hinc illæ lachrymæ, sir; that's my misfortune. Too much learning hath been my ruin.' 'Indeed,' says Jones, 'I confess, friend, you have more learning than generally belongs to your trade; but I can't see how it can accomplished it. When Jones returned to the kitchen, his cloth was not yet laid; nor indeed was there any occasion it should, his dinner remaining in statu quo, as did the fire which was to dress it. This disappointment might have put many a philosophical temper into a passion; but it had no such effect on Jones. He only gave the landlady a gentle rebuke, saying, 'Since it was so difficult to get it heated, he would eat the beef cold.' But now the good woman, whether moved by compassion, or by shame, or by whatever other motive, I cannot tell, first gave her servants a round scold for disobeying the orders which she had never given; and then bidding the drawer lay a napkin in the Sun, she set about the matter in good earnest, and soon This Sun, into which Jones was now have injured you.'-' Alas! sir,' answered the shaver, 'my father disinherited me for ❘ conducted, was truly named, as lucus a non lucendo; for it was an apartment into which the sun had scarce ever looked. It was indeed the worst room in the house ; and happy was it for Jones that it was so. However, he was now too hungry to find any fault; but having once satisfied his appetite, he ordered the drawer to carry a bottle of wine into a better room, and expressed some resentment at having been shown into a dungeon. The drawer having obeyed his commands, he was, after some time, attended by the barber; who would not indeed have suffered him to wait so long for his company, had he not been listening in the kitchen to the landlady, who was entertaining a circle that she had gathered round her with the history of poor Jones, part of which she had extracted from his own lips, and the other part was her own ingenious composition: for she said, 'he was a poor parish boy, taken into the house of Squire Allworthy, where he was bred up as an apprentice, and now turned out of doors for his misdeeds, particularly for making love to his young mistress, and probably for robbing the house; for how else should he come by the little money he hath; and this,' says she, 'is your gentleman, forsooth.'-' A servant of Squire Allworthy?" says the barber; 'what's his name? Why he told me his name was Jones,' says she: 'perhaps he goes by a wrong name. Nay, and he told me, too, that the squire had maintained him as his own son, tho'f he had quarrelled with him now.'-' And if his name be Jones, he told you the truth,' says the barber; 'for I have relations who live in that country; nay, and some people say he is his son.'Why doth he not go by the name of his father?'-' I can't tell that,' said the barber; 'many people's sons don't go by the name of their father.'-'Nay,' said the landlady, 'if I thought he was a gentleman's son, tho'f he was a bye-blow, I should behave to him in another-guess manner; for many of these bye-blows come to be great men; and, as my poor first husband used to say, never affront any customer that's a gentleman.' CHAPTER V. A dialogue between Mr. Jones and the barber. THIS conversation passed partly while Jones was at dinner in his dungeon, and partly while he was expecting the barber in the parlour. And, as soon as it was ended, Mr. Benjamin, as we have said, attended him, and was very kindly desired to sit down. Jones then filling out a glass a wine, drank his health by the appellation of doctissime tonsorum. and had re 'Ago tibi gratias, domine,' said the barber; and then looking very steadfastly at Jones, he said, with great gravity, with a seeming surprise, as is if if he he collected a face he had seen before, 'Sir, may I crave the favour to know if your name is not Jones?" To which the other answered, that it was. - Proh Deum atque hominum fidem!" says the barber; 'how strangely things come to pass! Mr. Jones, I am your most obedient servant. I find you do not know me, which indeed is no wonder, since you never saw me but once, and then you was very young. Pray, sir, how doth the good Squire Allworthy? how doth ille optimus omnium patronus?'-' I find,' said Jones, 'you do indeed know me; but I have not the like happiness of recollecting you.'-' I do not wonder at that,' cries Benjamin; 'but I am surprised I did not know you sooner, for you are not in the least altered. And pray, sir, may I without offence inquire whither you are travelling this way?'Fill the glass, Mr. Barber,' said Jones, ' and ask no more questions.' ''Nay, sir,' answered Benjamin, 'I would not be troublesome; and I hope you don't think me a man of an impertinent curiosity, for that is a vice which nobody can lay to my charge; but I ask pardon; for when a gentleman of your figure travels without his servants, we may suppose him to be, as we say, in casu incognito, and perhaps I ought not to have mentioned your name.' - I own,' says Jones, 'I did not expect to have been so well known in this country as I find I am; yet, for particular reasons, I shall be obliged to you if you will not mention my name to any other person, till I am gone from hence.'-'Pauca verba,' answered the barber; 'and I wish no other here knew you but myself; for some people have tongues; but I promise you I can keep a secret. My enemies will allow me that virtue.'-' And yet that is not the characteristic of your profession, Mr. Barber,' answered Jones. 'Alas! sir,' replied Benjamin, 'non si male nunc et olim sic erit. I was not born nor bred a barber, I assure you. I have spent most of my time among gentlemen, and though I say it, I understand something of gentility. And if you had thought me as worthy of your confidence as you have some other people, I should have shown you I could have kept a secret better. I should not have degraded your name in a public kitchen; for indeed, sir, some people have not used you well; for besides making a public proclamation of what you told them of a quarrel between yourself and Squire Allworthy, they added lies of their own, things which I knew to be lies.'-'You surprise me greatly,' cries Jones. Upon my word, sir,' answered Benjamin, 'I tell yed to Allworthy; nor could he mention those the truth, and I need not tell you my land- many false accusations which had been from lady was the person. I am sure it moved time to time preferred against him to All me to hear the story, and I hope it is all false; for I have a great respect for you, I do assure you I have, and have had, ever since the good-nature you showed to Black George, which was talked of all over the country, and I received more than one letter about it. Indeed, it made you beloved by every body. You will pardon me, therefore; for it was real concern at what I heard, made me ask many questions; for I have no impertinent curiosity about me; but I love good-nature, and thence became amoris abundantia erga te.' Every profession of friendship easily gains credit with the miserable; it is no worthy; for with none of these he was himself acquainted. He had likewise, as we have observed, omitted many material facts in his present relation. Upon the whole, indeed, every thing now appeared in such favourable colours to Jones, that malice itself would have found it no easy matter to fix any blame upon him. Not that Jones desired to conceal or to disguise the truth; nay, he would have been more unwilling to have suffered any censure to fall on Mr. Allworthy for punishing him, than on his own actions for deserving it; but, in reality, so it happened, and so it always will happen; for let a man be never wonder, therefore, if Jones, who, besides so honest, the account of his own conduct his being miserable, was extremely open- will, in spite of himself, be so very favourahearted, very readily believed all the pro- ble, that his vices will come purified through fessions of Benjamin, and received him into his bosom. The scraps of Latin, some of which Benjamin applied properly enough, though it did not savour of profound literature, seemed yet to indicate something superior to a common barber; and so indeed his whole behaviour. Jones therefore believed the truth of what he had said, as to his original and education; and at length, after much entreaty, he said, 'Since you have heard, my friend, so much of my affairs, and seem so desirous to know the truth, if you will have patience to hear it, I will inform you of the whole.'' Patience!' cries Benjamin, 'that I will, if the chapter was never so long, and I am very much obliged to you for the honour you do me.' his lips, and, like foul liquors well strained, Though the barber had drank down this story with greedy ears, he was not yet satisfied. There was a circumstance behind, which his curiosity, cold as it was, most eagerly longed for. Jones had mentioned the fact of his amour, and of his being the rival of Blifil, but had cautiously concealed the name of the young lady. The barber, therefore, after some hesitation, and many hums and hahs, at last begged leave to crave the name of the lady, who appeared to be the principal cause of all this mischief. Jones paused a moment, and then said, 'Since I have trusted you with so much, and since, I am afraid, her name is become too public already on this occasion, I will not conceal it from you. Her name is Sophia Western.' 'Proh Deum atque hominum fidem! Squire Western hath a daughter grown a tion, never once interrupted the narrative; woman!'-'Ay, and such a woman,' cries but when it was ended, he could not help Jones, 'that the world cannot match. No observing, that there must be surely some-eye ever saw any thing so beautiful; but thing more invented by his enemies, and told Mr. Allworthy against him, or so good a man would never have dismissed one he loved so tenderly in such a manner. To which Jones answered, 'He doubted not but such villanous arts had been made use of to destroy him.' Jones now began and related the whole history, forgetting only a circumstance or two, namely, every thing which passed on that day in which he had fought with Thwackum; and ended with his resolution to go to sea, till the rebellion in the North had made him change his purpose, and had brought him to the place where he then was. Little Benjamin, who had been all atten that is her least excellence. Such sense! such goodness! Oh, I could praise her for ever, and yet should omit half her virtues!' Mr. Western a daughter grown up!" cries the barber: 'I remember the father a boy; well, tempus edax rerum.' The wine being now at an end, the barber pressed very eagerly to be his bottle; but Jones absolutely refused, saying, 'He had already drank more than he ought: and And surely it was scarce possible for any one to have avoided making the same remark with the barber, who had not, indeed, heard from Jones one single circumstance that he now chose to retire to his room, where upon which he was condemned; for his ac- he wished he could procure himself a book.' tions were not now placed in those injurious - A book!' cries Benjamin; 'what book lights in which they had been misrepresent- would you have? Latin or English? I have some curious books in both languages: such | last night that I professed this art, was, as Erasmi Colloquia, Ovid de Tristibus, that I then concluded you was under the Gradus ad Parnassum; and in English I hands of another gentleman, and I never have several of the best books, though some of them are a little torn; but I have a great part of Stowe's Chronicle; the sixth volume of Pope's Homer; the third volume of the Spectator; the second volume of Echard's Roman History; the Craftsman; Robinson Crusoe; Thomas a Kempis; and two volumes of Tom Brown's Works.' love to interfere with my brethren in their business. Ars omnibus communis. But now, sir, if you please, I will inspect your head, and when I see into your skull, I will give my opinion of your case.' Jones had no great faith in this new professor; however, he suffered him to open the bandage, and to look at his wound; which, as soon as had done, Benjamin began to groan and shake his head violently. Upon which Jones, in a peevish manner, bid him not play the fool, but tell him in what condition he found him. Shall I answer you as a surgeon, 'As a friend, or a friend? said Benjamin. to his house, Those last,' cries Jones, 'are books I never saw, so if you please lend me one of those volumes. The barber assured him he would be highly entertained; for he looked upon the author to have been one of the greatest wits that ever the nation produced. He then stepped which was hard by, and immediately returned; after which, the barber having received very strict injunctions of secrecy from Jones, and having sworn inviolably to maintain it, they separated; the barber went home, and Jones retired to his chamber. CHAPTER VI. In which more of the talents of Mr. Benjamin will appear, as well as who this extraordinary person was. and and seriously,' said Jones. Why then, 'There, sir,' cries Benjamin: 'now I will, if you please, resume my former self; but a man is obliged to keep up some dignity in his countenance whilst he is performing these operations, or the world will not submit to be handled by him. You can't imagine, sir, of how much conseIn the morning Jones grew a little uneasy at the desertion of his surgeon, as he quence a grave aspect is to a grave character. A barber may make you laugh, apprehended some inconvenience, or even danger, might attend the not dressing his but a surgeon ought rather to make you wound: he inquired therefore of the draw-cry. Mr. Barber, or Mr. Surgeon, or Mr. er, what other surgeons were to be met with in that neighbourhood. The drawer Barber-surgeon, said Jones. O dear told him, there was one not far off; but sir!' answered Benjamin, interrupting him, he had known him often to refuse to be 'Infandum, regina, jubes renovare dolorem. concerned after another had been sent for You recal to my mind that cruel separation before him; 'but, sir,' says he, if you will of the united fraternities, so much to the pretake my advice, there is not a man in the judice of both bodies, as all separations must kingdom can do your business better than be, according to the old adage, Vis unita the barber who was with you last night. fortior; which to be sure there are not We look upon him to be one of the ablest wanting some of one or of the other fratermen at a cut in all this neighbourhood. nity who are able to construe. What a blow For though he hath not been here above was this to me, who unite both in my own three months, he hath done several great person.'-'Well, by whatever name you please to be called,' continued Jones, 'you cures.' The drawer was presently despatched certainly are one of the oddest, most comifor little Benjamin, who, being acquainted cal fellows I ever met with, and must have in what capacity he was wanted, prepared something very surprising in your story, himself accordingly, and attended; but which you must confess I have a right to with so different an air and aspect from hear. I do confess it,' answered Benjathat which he wore when his basin was min, 'and will very readily acquaint you with under his arm, that he could scarce be it, when you have sufficient leisure, for I known to be the same person. promise you it will require a good deal of 'So, tonsor,' says Jones, 'I find you time.' Jones told him, he could never be have more trades than one: how came more at leisure than at present. Well, you not to inform me of this last night?"- then,' said Benjamin, 'I will obey you; but A surgeon answered Benjamin, with first I will fasten the door, that none may ingreat gravity, 'is a profession, not a trade. terrupt us.' He did so, and then advancing The reason why I did not acquaint you with a solemn air to Jones, said, 'I must |